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After Abortion Trauma – Concerning grandparents - Love and Choice - "The Day They Took My Choice Away" - Death as a direct result of "Safe, Legal abortion" - Live births - and much more. Part 2 of 3, Post Abortion Syndrome - Stories of Family Destruction.

CHAPTER 11:

National Right to Life News -1/15/87

Mrs. Mary Louise Ganz said, "Our lost babes are loved and we should have loved them here...if only they had been given life on earth before eternal rest and peace." *

We must reach their mothers, our daughters...whose lives are injured even more deeply than our own, we can take them in our arms.

We can tell them that we understand and love them still, bearing all our own guilt for failing to meet the needs they felt were driving them to the pathetic decision that stole their children and injured them."

A note from a grandmother: "Even though my daughter was a teenager, I wasn't told about the abortion until afterwards. I would have tried to stop it. I was cheated out of having the precious love of my grandchild. I was cheated out of the joy of spoiling it as grandparents are supposed to do. I feel cheated because I wasn't given the chance to know that child.

Grandparents have empty arms and grieving hearts as well as parents do. If your child hurts, you feel that hurt. If she feels depressed or suicidal, you feel that hurt too. Maybe not as much as your child but it is there. Children are just loaned to you for a little while to fill an empty spot. Each one is God's child, born or unborn. I am a grandmother without my grandchild to love."

"When I found out that my daughter-in-law had had an abortion I was very angry. When that passed, I felt so sad, so hurt. I would look at my son's baby picture and wonder if the baby would have looked like him. This would have been our first grandchild. Why did it happen? Could I have prevented it if I had known? Why didn't they tell me? I felt guilty, because I too must have been at fault. I shall always grieve for a grandchild that I never knew. Even now as I write this, the hurt comes back. It is so hard to hold back the tears and it has been over ten years. Our children are dear to us. But how much more are our grandchildren. I do not blame my son or my daughter-in-law. They were both so young. They could not know what the abortion would do to all of us. We need laws to prevent other families from going through the hell this has caused our family.

Our children need all of the help and support we can give them. I admire my daughter-in-law, J.W., so much for the stand she has taken against abortion. What a burden, she has had to carry, but I am so thankful that through Jesus Christ she has found the peace she has sought for so long.

We now have a beautiful adopted granddaughter and an adopted grandson. J.W. had to have a total hysterectomy shortly after her abortion when she was only 19 years of age. These two grandchildren have brought so much happiness to us. Some day, because of people like my son and daughter-in-law, who will speak out, this will not be a world in which innocent babies are killed. God Bless all of those who will take a stand against abortion."

* See Publisher's Comment at beginning of book.

Note: Marsha related the following true story to me and it is used with her permission because she knows how important it is to understand what the underling problems sometimes are. Her story is much like that of a whole generation of women from all walks of life who were raised in the sexual revolution era. Her children are now old enough to be sexually active and the thought of becoming a grandmother terrifies her - babies terrify her.

Marsha said, "What happened to me? When I was growing up I never had any friends, not even one. The only kid that ever played with me only did so when there was absolutely no one else to play with. I was the kid that everyone made fun of. Even my teachers laughed at me for being stupid. I wanted a friend so bad that every time I tried to make someone like me I always ended up saying or doing something really stupid. And it always happened in front of everybody.

We were very poor and I had to wear the same clothes every day. Even though they were clean people still laughed and put me down. I was determined to make someone like me. By the time I got into sixth grade everybody had a boyfriend but me. I was the joke of the class.

I was often asked: "Do you know what a virgin is?" Answer: "Ugliest girl in the sixth grade." That was me. By the end of the school year that was to change. Somebody was going to like me. I was going to see to it, no matter what I had to do.

I'll never forget that next day and all the attention I got. I had never had that many people talk to me in all my life. Somebody finally liked me. I didn't worry about getting pregnant because that happens to somebody else. Besides I was only twelve, it couldn't happen to me.

All the girls called me trash, but I wasn't, I just wanted to be liked. I just wanted somebody to care about me. It wasn't long before I started seeing things for what they were and wanting out, wanting to quit and live a normal life. BUT, they wouldn't let me.

My reputation was already ruined. I couldn't say no, I tried. They wouldn't listen. I told one boy no and he brought all his friends with him and they gang-raped me. I couldn't tell anybody. No one would believe me. That's when all hope left me. I would never be anybody.

If you are wondering where my parents were, my mom was home hating my dad and my dad was home reading the newspaper or watching TV. They did not want to be disturbed. I never remember either parent saying I love you, or that I ever did anything right. By the time I was thirteen the future really looked bad.

Then I met someone wonderful. He was eighteen, cute, and enjoyed just talking to me. We met at the skating rink every weekend and talked on the phone. I pretended to be a virgin and it felt good to have someone really like me. He told me that he loved me and that if I loved him I would prove it. I shouldn't worry because he was sterile (since that day he has fathered six children that I know of). Wouldn't you know it - one time with me and he's cured for life!

We got married and lived with my parents. He graduated from high school and I became a mother at thirteen. I was scared, I didn't even know how to cook much less be a mother.

The nurse in the hospital talked to me about birth control pills, but my mother said that was bad. I recall her very words, 'I am scared of them ole things, they cause cancer and stuff.' Well I'm only a child myself, what do I know. I talked to him and asked him what we should do to make sure we didn't have another baby, but also letting him know the pill was out because 'them ole things cause cancer and stuff.' He decided on 'rubbers' (condoms), I didn't even know what a rubber was. Well it didn't take but one time for it to break, and in less than a year I had another baby.

By this time I wised up a little and decided cancer and stuff can't be all that bad. I mean fourteen and the mother of two.

By the time I reached seventeen we were living on our own. He was of drinking age and I still didn't know how to cook. Then one day he decided he didn't want to be married anymore. I wasn't so bad but he had just discovered that he didn't want to be a father anymore. He wasn't ready for fatherhood after all. I wasn't ready for motherhood but I sure wasn't going to leave my kids, so I divorced him. He divorced the kids and at seventeen I was looking for a job with no car, no experience and still no clothes to wear.

Finally, The opportunity of a life time came along and I grabbed it. Enough money to buy my kids anything they wanted and everything they needed. I left home temporarily, just long enough to make enough money to rent a home for me and my kids.

It wasn't the best job in the world (prostitution is not among the top ten) but I had to take care of my kids any way I could. Nobody else was standing in line to hire me and give me a chance. I had quit school in the seventh grade to have my baby. Without an education you can't get anywhere.

It was during this time of prostitution that I met my second husband. He was charming and promised to take me away from all that. He did. He took me straight to another town and set me up stripping in his aunt's club (only temporarily), he didn't want me to do that, but he was a little short on cash and as long as I came home to him there was nothing really bad about it. He said that everybody has to start someplace and there is nothing wrong with starting at the bottom and working your way up.

He was 28 and I was 17. It didn't take long for him to take possession of my two little boys, to start beating me up and to make my life a living hell. He told me he was sterile and took my pills away from me so that if I slept with anyone else he would know about it. By this time I had no desire to sleep with anyone else, I didn't even want to sleep with him. Well guess what? I got pregnant.

When I told him, he became furious. He beat me up and accused me of messing around on him and I hadn't. He knew he wasn't sterile, he already had 3 kids but he just wanted to see if he could catch me at anything.

At that time I was waiting on tables in a local restaurant (he never worked, I supported his habits, alcohol, and drugs). When I came to work all black and blue, a girl at work told me how I could get out of this. She told me how her boyfriend had taken her to get an abortion across the state line, and that I should do that and then get as far away from this bum as I could. The advice sounded good. I had never heard of abortion before but she said it was okay and by this time I didn't know what was right and what was wrong. I don't think I ever did.

Well I did it. My employer loaned me the money to go, and I went. I was then 19 and four and one-half months' pregnant. I'll never forget that day as long as I live. When I came home the first thing he said to me was, `you killed my baby' - and that bastard - he didn't care - it just gave him something else to beat me up for.

Well, I didn't leave. I couldn't, he wouldn't let me. Besides, I had nowhere to go. Nowhere that he couldn't find me and drag me home and beat me up again. A short time later I was pregnant again. I didn't tell him until I was about five months, but I knew I had to keep this one.

I eventually got away from him. The abuse that followed was more frequent and more damaging. It was only when he turned his abuse on my children that I found the strength and courage to leave for good. I eventually delivered a beautiful baby girl.

I wonder if my life might have been a little different if someone had said, "I love you or even just a smile or a pat on the shoulder from a teacher. I don't even think my Sunday School teacher ever really liked me and my pastor never spoke to me."

The following true story was written by Robin as she experienced it. Robin had a hard time talking about her pent-up feelings and she related best by putting those feelings on paper. This is her story - these are her words - written because she had to get it out of the recess of her mind where it was tormenting her. Robin's story is an ongoing story and she is determined to go on to VICTORY as will be seen as her story unfolds.

"When I was 19, I had an abortion," wrote Robin, "and there was no one there to try to talk me out of it. There was no one to discuss alternatives. There was no one there to pick me up when it was all over and life began to crumble. The fact is, it wasn't over, for the pain had just begun.

Abortion was supposed to solve my problems. It didn't. It only created new ones. Abortion was supposed to terminate my pregnancy, not kill my baby.

Now I know what terminate means, to put an end to, but during a crisis situation somehow terminate and kill just don't seem to add up to the same thing - abortion.

I had to go across the state line into Florida as abortion was not yet legal in my home state. I was never counseled with, I was not given other options or alternatives and adoption was never mentioned. I was told that it was only tissue and that it would take about ten minutes and that I would only feel a small amount of pain, if any. It was not tissue, it was a baby, two of them. I had twins, one girl, one boy. It took about thirty minutes and the pain was unbearable. My babies died a horrible death.

Upon arriving at the clinic they gave me a tranquilizer to calm me down and relax me. Before the abortion began, as I was laying on the table, the tranquilizer had taken effect and it seemed that there was no longer a crisis situation, and I was calm. The excitement of all that was happening, the anxiety and fear were gone. I was no longer afraid to deal with the pregnancy and I told them that I changed my mind and wanted to keep my baby.

The nurse told me that it was just the medication talking and that I really didn't want to change my mind. I kept telling them that I had changed my mind and nobody would listen to me. The pain was horrible and they held my arms down so I couldn't hit anyone. That day they took away my CHOICE.

After it was over and I was in recovery, I kept crying and the nurses were so cruel to me. They kept telling me I was acting like a baby and that I was upsetting everyone around me.

From that time on I put up a wall that no one would ever be able to get past. I blocked the abortion from my mind as if it had never happened.

Within a year of the abortion I gave birth to a baby boy. With my marriage getting worse each day, I didn't know how I was going to care for him and my other two small children, ages four and five, but I knew I had to try.

As the years went by I grew farther away from my two girls and I constantly overprotected my son. I began to drink heavily and abuse drugs. I began to have nightmares while sleeping, and while awake I would hear babies crying and there would be no baby there. When I walked through a grocery store and saw a baby in an aisle, I would not go down that aisle. Sometimes if there were a lot of babies in the store that day or if a baby cried I would become hysterical and begin crying and become very angry. I was afraid of beautiful little babies, but at the same time I was drawn to them.

The alcohol and the drugs became more frequent as did the nightmares. I became less and less of a mother because of the terrible hatred inside of me for myself and for everyone else around me. I believed that no one could love me and that everyone was my enemy.

Then one day Jesus Christ changed my life.

The way my healing came about is a very important part of my testimony. The PAIRS office had relocated to the (name withheld) church building where I was attending at that time and I was a brand-new Christian. I was so happy and full of life; that is until "those people" moved into our building. I became very angry because they were there. I could not stand the thought of anyone coming into my church, my sanctuary and talking about abortion. I hated that word.

Since I had received Jesus as my Savior 5 months earlier I had not had a single nightmare - now all of a sudden they were back again. I was having flashbacks of a day 10 years before and I couldn't cope with what was happening to me. I wasn't ready to face reality. I began eating to suppress the emotions that were surfacing, and from that I developed Bulimia, a serious eating disorder. In only a few short weeks I went from 115 pounds to 150 pounds. I had no control over my life anymore.

A week before Thanksgiving Day in 1987 I confided in a friend at church about my eating problems and my nightmares (but not about the abortion) and asked her to please pray for me and she did. She prayed such a beautiful prayer and asked God to reveal to me the source behind my illness and my dreams. That night as I was leaving the church God spoke to me in an almost audible voice and told me to go to the PAIRS office. I knew that I had to obey God if I wanted to get past this thing.

The following day I was very nervous as I saw the kids off to school and got in my car and headed to the PAIRS office. When I arrived at the church, I decided that I would first go into the sanctuary and pray. Deep down inside I knew that once I got into that sanctuary that would be as far as I would go. I really did not want to go to that office.

When I walked into the foyer of the church and headed toward the sanctuary, I couldn't believe my eyes. There was a sign hung over the big double doors that said, 'Sanctuary Closed Until Sunday Services.' Well, I decided to use the side door so I could say that I didn't see the sign, but when I got around to that door, there was another sign with the same statement. Well, I don't give up easily and neither does God. There was still one more door, a door that no one hardly ever uses. I couldn't believe it...another sign, same message. Why was God doing this to me!?

By this time I was almost in a run as I made my way through the back of the church to the PAIRS office. When I got there, I froze. I reached for the door but could not open it. Just then the door opened and there stood Eleanor Ramsey with the love of Jesus all over her face. She said, `May I help you?' I just fell in her arms and began to cry uncontrollably for what must have been an hour or more. She just held me in her arms and said, `It's OK, I love you and Jesus loves you right where you are.' That day was the beginning of a `new life' for me and my family. That day my healing began.

It took ten years for the healing to begin. It's been two years since that day and I have come a long way, but it takes time for the years of undealt with emotions to heal. Ten years of garbage being fed into my body, mind and spirit had to be dealt with.

I've spent the past two years dealing with my emotions, my fears and grieving over the death of my children. I have had to learn how to be a loving mother to my three children and learn to love other people around me. Most important was learning how to forgive myself for what I had done.

The reason I have gone into such detail of how I came to PAIRS and how my healing began is that it is important for you to know just how important I am to God. He loves me no matter what. Jesus died for `ME', I was a nobody and Jesus picked me up, put the pieces together and transformed me into a beautiful butterfly with wings ready to take flight.

There are other Robins out there who are hurting just like I was, and if only someone would take her in their arms - just like Eleanor did with me - and hold her and tell her that everything is OK; that you love her no matter what she has done; that Jesus loves her; then she too can become a beautiful butterfly and receive the much needed healing of her heart and soul."

Eleanor's Comment:  The first day that Robin came into the PAIRS office, the only thing that was administered was the tender loving care of Jesus Christ. Nothing else mattered. When it became clear that she had a difficult time talking about her pain, I encouraged her to put on paper all of the feelings that were surfacing in her mind. I asked her not to include names, not even her own, because I wanted her feelings to stay completely confidential. She was to bring them to me so we could talk about what she had written.

When Robin learned about this work being done, she insisted that we include her writings so that other women could be warned before it is too late.

A couple of days later Robin wrote, "I want to get over this thing. I can't stop punishing myself. All I can see are aborted babies in my mind. I want to get over this, but I don't want to talk about it. I find it harder and harder to admit that I'm still hurting. I scream at my kids and my mother, and they have no idea of what is wrong with me.

Inside I am going crazy. Aside from my job, I cannot function. I keep thinking - what is wrong with me? Why can't I shake this thing that is inside me? That is what it is -- A THING, A MONSTER, SOMETHING INSIDE OF ME. I am supposed to be stronger than this. I know that if we were talking right now, you would tell me that what I am feeling is normal and I know that it is, but somehow, it doesn't seem to apply to me.

From the beginning I have been unable to let everything out and even admit to all of my feelings and my fears. I will talk a little about it and feel a little better and then clam up again. I want to scream. I want God to either make me talk about this thing, about everything or else take me home. I don't think I can continue like this without breaking.

Pray for strength from God to me. Pray for me. I keep thinking I'm not going to make it, but I have to. Satan killed my baby, I cannot let him win. He will not have me!"

Eleanor's Comment:  The above words reflect the feelings of MOST women we see in this work. Her feelings are the norm for those experiencing "Post Abortion Syndrome" - and know what they should be doing about it. Her pain is enormous! As you can see, if she did not make a determined, decision to continue in counseling and go on to victory, and victory can be achieved, she could very easily become just another suicide statistic.

As you read this, if you see yourself and your pain, please don't give up - no matter what! You are okay, just as you are, right where you are, right now. If you make mistakes, that's okay, so does everyone else. Everyone, except Jesus Christ has made many wrong decisions in life. Granted some are more drastic than others, but none are more sinful than others. No matter what you have done, you have not committed the unpardonable sin. Jesus paid the full price for all of them - and He said He loves you just as your are, right where you are, right now. He wants you to be happy, joyous and free. Jesus Christ is the great physician who came to minister to you. If you were without problems, and were perfect already, why would you need Him?

Perfect love? John 3:16 For God so loved the world (you) that He gave His only begotten Son (Jesus), that whosoever (you) believeth on Him, should not perish, but have everlasting life.

The next note from Robin said, "I've got to keep looking ahead, to keep reaching out. My healing is out there and I've got to keep reaching for it.

It's been a good day, a pleasant day, everything has gone well. Why am I so depressed all of a sudden? It's like a yo-yo, up and down, up and down. Thank God I've got something to look forward to. I know my healing is near. No amount of depression can take that from me, I won't let it. I can't.

Thank you for warning me that there would be days like this one, that almost all of `your girls' go through very similar times of deep depression and therefore it is normal for PAS victims. It amazes me sometimes how quickly my feelings change from hour to hour, from day to day. It is good to know that I am normal and not losing my mind. Thank God! It is all part of the healing process.

There was a time when I drew all my feelings inside me and would not let anyone share them. I hid. I ran. The word abortion could not be spoken from my lips or heard with my ears. Now all I can do is talk about it. I'm finding myself in every conversation eventually talking about abortion. It's like I'm becoming obsessed with it. That's all I think about, that's all I want to talk about. Is that an obsession with it or a healing from it? I think right now it is a little of both. Is that possible?

I feel more and more that I have to take a stand against abortion."

Darkness to Light and Peace:

"Eleanor's Comment:  The most horrible sight on earth is to see one's own murdered child", this statement is related over and over again by women who have seen their children in bits and pieces in jars of blood in abortion chambers all over America. So many times I have listened as women talk about it and pour out their hearts with a flood of tears that can hardly be stopped once it starts.

As her healing progresses, Robin continues to pour her feelings out on paper. And, as her words describe what is happening, I am again reminded of how similar her story is to all of the other women who have shared their inner most thoughts with me.

"For weeks (or maybe months, sometimes it is hard to keep track of how much time has lapsed) I have been seeing pictures, (not pictures - the babies themselves) of aborted babies, my aborted baby every time I closed my eyes. It didn't matter where I was at the time. Work, home, even at church, I would sit up all night to keep from closing my eyes. I even prayed with my eyes open because I couldn't afford to close them - it wouldn't go away. I couldn't believe it, even in church, in God's house - the only place on earth I felt safe from this nightmare and I wasn't even safe there anymore.

One night at church I was seeing these pictures more and more. It was coming against me stronger than ever that night. It was as if I had aborted babies on the inside of my eyelids.

By the time prayer was requested and altar calls made, I was sure that I was going to loose it all at any moment. I ran to the altar and began crying uncontrollably and begged God to take it all away, to make it stop.

Then something beautiful happened! It was like there was no one else around but me. All the people around me were gone and in front of me as I looked up, was Jesus - standing there in all His glory with His hands stretched out, as if to say, come my daughter. I could feel His presence so very strong, and standing in front of Him was the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen. She was so beautiful. I could not see the features of her face, but it was beauty beyond description. I knew instantly that she was my daughter, but nothing like I had imagined.

The only picture I had of her was distorted and mangled. All I had ever been able to see was my baby being torn apart.

At that moment there was such a peace surrounding me as Jesus spoke these words to me: `Daughter, this is your child. She is alive and well.' *

At that moment I could not only see but I could feel the love that this little girl, my daughter, has for me. She really loves me.

Jesus told me that the enemy has given me distorted pictures of what is supposed to be my child. That is not my child, for my child is safe in Heaven with my Jesus. * She is growing up with Him. *

Jesus said to me, `Whenever Satan puts a picture in your mind, cry, "Jesus," and I will be there. I will replace that picture with My Glory.' And He has. Satan has tried a few times, but it works. I cry, 'JESUS,' and He is there.

I can see Jesus in all of His glory, and I can look up to Heaven and know that my daughter is there waiting for me, but most important - she loves me."

* See Publisher's Comment at beginning of book.

"Here I am again," wrote Robin, "feeling depressed and for what? Everything is falling into place, its been a great week. Why do I feel this way? So much has happened this past week. I found out that I am not the terrible mother that I thought I was. Remember the Bad Mother Syndrome (BMS) that you talked to me about? It finally hit me, that was me! We've talked about it so many times and I've read about it, but that could not possibly be me. It just didn't apply to me. I almost envied the others who felt this way because they thought that they were bad mothers, and they really weren't, but I was different. I was different because I knew that I was a bad mother. Then it finally became clear to me. That was me.

I'm not such a mean and terrible person. The thought of saying no to my kids was unheard of... Now I'm beginning to see. It's like the shades have been taken off and I can see clearly now. Almost like I am on the outside looking in. Then why am I so depressed? This is a major break-through in my healing. I should be looking ahead and moving forward, but right now I feel so heavy. I feel like I can't get up and move and don't have the desire to try.

I think I am moving ahead, it's slow - but I'm still moving. Every time the thought comes to mind that my daughters will find out about the abortion, BMS sets in. This is all they need to pass the final judgment. The evidence they have been waiting for to condemn me.

Every time I think of them knowing - I go on trial. But, yet I feel that until this is all laid out and talked about (the abortion and why I allowed it to happen) I will never be at peace with myself or them. Sometimes I wish that someone would tell them so I can get it all over with. I would love to tell them that he made me do it. They don't like him anyway and they would believe anything I said about him - but that would only be another cop-out, another lie.

Until I can stand up and face myself and be truthful with myself, I can't possibly discuss this issue with my kids. That day is closer though. I'm getting there and I am determined to move forward. I am not giving up. Not for my family's sake, not for my sake. I can't. I've come too far.

I'm receiving healing. It is slow. I want to speed it up. I want to be completely and totally healed. I will be. God knows what He's doing. There is so much pain there to be healed from. I pray, please God hurry. Then I look back and see how far I have come.

I have come such a long way in the last 11 months. I've gotten rid of a lot of garbage that was in my mind. Eleven months ago I was dead set on changing time, of turning it back. I was not going to accept what had happened. I was determined to take my baby back, to demand my baby back.

Now I accept what has happened and can deal with it more each day. My daughter has gone on to be with the Lord. * I can accept that, and rejoice that she is in a better place. * Now I realize that I can't change the past or take back what I've done, but I can fight for the future of our babies and our mothers. That's why I have to keep moving forward, I have to step out and let people know what is being done to our families.

God's Word tells us to preach good tidings to the meek; Bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and the opening of the prisons to them that are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God to comfort all that mourn.

By educating people to what abortion is I believe we can reduce the number of abortions being performed today. By reaching out and sharing the nightmares that came as a result of abortion we can reach those who have been victims of abortion, that is, the brokenhearted mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, bound into prison by the memories and guilt, and we can bring healing and comfort to those who mourn."

Eleanor's Comment:  The counseling sessions with Robin are coming along well and she keeps in close contact most of the time by phone but the notes continue and I encourage her to get her feelings out in whatever way she feels she must at a given time.

Another of Robin's Notes: "I think I see a Light at the end of the tunnel. Things don't look as far off as they did yesterday. I know that I still have a lot of healing ahead. I know that it takes time. But it's not so far away that I can't touch it. The darkness that I once saw for my future is now Light. My healing is becoming a reality. Once it was something that I thought I couldn't touch. It was too far away - and now that time draws nearer. I know there's a Light at the end of the tunnel. There is Life at the end of the tunnel. Praise God! I can really make it."

Eleanor's Comment:  Even after so many months of working with Robin the tormenting thoughts still creep back into her mind. Satan's most powerful weapon is that he is the accuser of the brethren (God's people) and he never stops.

"Why do I still feel so guilty? It's not fair. He made me do it. It's his fault too. He didn't want a baby, he wanted to trap me. He made me get pregnant so he would have something to control me with. It's not fair.

I live with the guilt and the pain every day for what I have done. My children suffer because I cannot be a whole mother to them and he walks away free. The first thing he said to me was, you killed my baby. The Hell with him. He did too. He may not have been there, but he did it too.

I get all the pain, the flash backs, the memories and he's out there still, making babies and walking away from them. He didn't care. It didn't hurt him. I know that fathers suffer too, but not him. I wish he did. If he could just feel half the torment that I do, he'd kill himself. I don't even think that would bother me.

I've got to get over these feelings. It hurts so bad right now. I wish I had somebody to talk to right now.

It started again Sunday. It got so bad that I almost ran out of church. Satan kept telling me to get out of there, that it wasn't going to stop, that I was going to freak out in front of everybody. All the sounds around me came in at one time. The music, the praise and worship, the preaching, it was all coming at me at one time, it was like major confusion. Satan told me it would stop if I would leave. I almost did. I was all alone. I couldn't turn to anyone and tell them how I felt. It hurt so bad.

I want the pain to stop. The day my baby died I begged the doctor to stop, because it hurt so bad. Can you believe that? It hurt me, I was in pain. It didn't matter that my little baby was being torn to pieces. All that mattered was that I hurt. I don't deserve to live. I don't deserve the family that I have. They don't deserve me, they can do better.

All I can think about is the pain my baby felt while she was being murdered. I wonder how long she lived? She was almost five months in my womb. I hope she didn't suffer too long. What am I saying? Any amount was too long. I can almost see her little arms being torn off. I can't stop. I don't want to stop. I don't want to ever forget what they did to my little girl.

I want the abortionists to know what they are doing to families. It doesn't matter though, they don't care. They already know what they're doing to little babies. They see them every day. They know what they are. They know that these babies are real. How much longer can God tarry? Not long - I hope. I'm tired. I can't keep fighting this, but I can't quit. I've come too far. Quitting means never being able to see my little girl.

I read Friday where the manufacturers of the abortion pill decided to quit making them. That seemed like such a big step toward victory for our babies. I felt we were moving forward. Then Saturday morning I read where they would not stop after all. The government ordered and commanded them to continue to make those pills (Robin was so upset that she did not even notice that this was not our government but the French government that ordered the killing to continue). I thought my heart would stop. I felt so sick. I was sick. I threw up, vomited up everything in my stomach.

What is going to happen now? Will we ever win? I think to myself, it doesn't make sense to fight, and then I see my little girl with her hands reaching out to me and she says, `I love you mommy,' and then it makes all the sense in the world.

I know why I stay on the defensive with my kids. In my own prison, in my mind, I have already been convicted by them. I spend so much time thinking about what my kids think about me (think about me in my mind, not theirs) that by the time I get home I am so uptight and on the defensive that I jump on their case before they have a chance to jump on mine.

I wonder what it would be like to go home and act like a normal mom and see their response. I might find out that they are nice kids. I might even find out that they might possibly even like me.

I am so sure that they won't understand me or wouldn't understand if they knew me from the inside. Makes you wonder who the parents are in this family . . . Kids always think that the parents won't understand or won't love them if they make mistakes, or if they're not perfect. I never knew that parents were the same way. Maybe they will understand. There's hope. There's still hope."

I love you, Eleanor, goodnight. (Little notes like this one make all of the hours of ministering to wounded girls like this one very worthwhile.)

Eleanor's Comment:  Robin's note today is very encouraging because she is finally opening up to other women she meets who have had abortions and is finding that indeed they all share very similar feelings.

"I can see much more clearly today. I can see the normality of my behavior (What is called normal for PAS). I'm not so different from the other girls. I say girls because we have all been taken advantage of at a time in our life when we did not know what to do or where to turn. We were not mature in the sense that we didn't know what abortion was and is. We looked to someone who, in our eyes, was strong. Someone who could be trusted and had all the answers. Someone who could be somewhat looked upon as a little girl would look at her father or mother. This someone was our "local physician."

Every pain that I have felt, every ounce of guilt and condemnation, every tear I have shed, every nightmare is shared by thousands, perhaps millions of women. I am not alone. I am not one isolated case. I am no different from the rest of the women who have been through abortion. Just the reality of this alone is awesome.

I can talk about it. Somebody understands because we have all been through similar if not identical experiences. Just the reality of seeing so clearly, that we all go through much of the same feelings, thoughts and dreams, is a healing in itself.

Before, when I talked to others that had received healing, or listened to their testimonies, I could not see myself progressing that far in healing. I could not ever hope for that kind of comfort and peace. It just wasn't possible. Now, it is closer than ever. I can see it. I can touch it. Healing is not something that someone else gets. It is not what God gives everybody but me. I am no different. He loves me too. I can have healing too. All I have to do is reach out and take it. It's there. Praise God! I'm normal.

Eleanor, I feel so different today, almost free. I know that there is still more to come, but I can handle it better now. I am sure of this. It's scary and it hurts, but it is necessary in order to get through this thing. I've got something to look forward to. A future of total restoration.

Thanks for being here. Without you, I wouldn't have the courage to keep going. I love you."

Eleanor's Comment:  Robin is doing wonderfully at this point in her life as can be seen as we reflect on her notes.

"To finally be at peace with myself seems like a miracle. I could never imagine this kind of peace, to be this calm inside. This wasn't supposed to happen to me. This couldn't happen to me. Praise God, He's faithful to keep all His promises.

There were times when I really didn't think God could pull this one off. Now I know that there is nothing too hard for God. But, there was a part of me that hurt so bad that I could not reach out for help no matter how hard I tried. The pain was unbearable. Then there was the part of me that seemed that the more I reached out for help, the more I hurt, the more I remembered. I don't know which one scared me the most, remembering all that had happened -- all the details -- or telling my children and facing them with what I had done.

With all the emotional damage that had already been done in my life, I think fear played the greatest part. Fear had such a grip on me that I stayed so confused and felt unbalanced. The more I thought about talking to my kids about my abortion, the more I knew I couldn't ever do it. If that is what I had to do to get through this thing, well then I was in for a lifetime of pain and suffering. I just couldn't do it.

All of these fears are normal - to think that you are different, that everybody else finds peace, that God heals everybody else of this terrible nightmare and grief, but not you -it's all normal.

I had been told that so many times that I believed it. It's normal. Normal for everybody but me, because I knew He wouldn't do it for me, because I wouldn't let Him. Praise God, He did it anyway.

Now that I've come clean with my daughters, that I've faced them and told them the whole horrible story, something has happened. Dear God, they actually love me, they even understand. The closeness and love that is felt when we are together, and even apart, is beautiful. It could have been there before but I wouldn't allow it. Fear wouldn't allow it. Fear can no longer torment me. The one thing that Satan held over my head is no longer there.

Satan killed by baby. He deprived my family of this beautiful life, but that wasn't enough. He wouldn't stop there, he wanted my life too. He kept me in bondage - to fear, had me imagine the worst, but now it's all out in the open. Now I can tell other people what abortion has done to my life and what it will do to theirs if we don't stop it. People have to know the truth, and with the help of my family at home, and my family at PAIRS, I'm going to tell them the truth.

Abortion destroys lives. I was one of the lucky ones. All have attempted suicide, many succeeded. I am alive today to tell the people, the judges, the pro-choice group, the people that are not sure which side they believe, that I am living proof of what abortion does to entire families. I am alive today to tell someone that is hurting that I know what you are going through, that I love you, and I can honestly tell you that you are not alone. There are people just like yourself that can and will help you make it through to the other side, where you too, can find peace with yourself."

Eleanor's Comment:  Ever since her healing began Robin has voiced a nagging and haunting feeling that she had more than one abortion. That just did not make good sense to her but somehow the thought would not go away. She got to where she avoided all contact with PAIRS at various times, because this feeling would not go away.

"From the very beginning I have felt that there was more than one child that day. The feelings were very strong although the understanding was not there. So many times I'd badger myself and so many times I would almost know that there had been another abortion that I could not remember. The feelings of another child became stronger and would not go away, although I searched my memory thoroughly and I was sure in my heart that there had only been one abortion. I began to ignore those feelings and it never occurred to me that there could have been twins.

About half-way into the PAS seminar in January those feeling of a child that I had not grieved for, came over me so strong that I thought Satan was attacking me. Then a sense of peace began to come over me and I heard an almost audible voice whisper in my ear, "You had a boy." Well I thought, here we go again, more of my most famous self-punishment.

I kept thinking no, it couldn't be because I had seen the vision of my little girl, and that was real. There was no way that couldn't have been real. I even saw Jesus and He spoke such sweet words to me, there was no way I was going to accept anything else.

I could not believe what was happening to me, I thought I had it all together for once and now it was happening all over again. Finally that same peace and that same voice that I was beginning to know so well said `Twins'. I felt such a release from it all, from the feelings that I had dealt with for a year and a half for another child. Now it was finally all falling into place. That explained everything. There are no more missing pieces to the puzzle.

The picture is almost complete and when God allows me to see my son, as He did my daughter, then the picture will be complete."

Eleanor's Comment:  Robin made herself go back into medical records because she had to find out for her peace of mind exactly what her due date was to have been. She had a date in her mind but wanted to be absolutely certain that it was the right one.

"When the moment finally came and I was to know the date my twins were to be born and the date they died, I was so excited.

I had called ahead to the doctor's office on Tuesday to let them know that I would be coming by on Friday to pick up a copy of my maternity records. I wanted everything to be in order, I didn't want anything to go wrong.

When I got there on Friday they had not run them off yet and asked if I could come back in an hour and I agreed. This left me a little uptight because I was so close to knowing the date and filling in the missing pieces, that I was afraid something would go wrong. I felt as if they did not want to give me my medical records. But, I was trusting in God and knew that His will would be done.

When I came back, she handed me the records in a large envelope and crossed out the fee that she was supposed to charge me. When I got downstairs to the lobby, I could go no further. I could not wait until I got to my car, I had to sit down right there and go through the papers. I had waited long enough. But I couldn't find what I was looking for.

I got up and ran out the door and got into my car, and just sat there and cried and cried. I couldn't stop. It wasn't fair. Everything was there from the time I first saw that doctor up until the time I got pregnant. And then there was no account of my visits until a year after the abortion.

After I cried for awhile I prayed to God and said, "Dear God, I know that it is in your will that I not know today or may never know. I accept your will and your way. (I prayed the prayer that I felt a good and faithful Christian should pray in a crisis like this - but I didn't mean it.)

As the day went by I cried more and more and by the time Saturday was here I wasn't sure where I was headed - but I was sure of one thing, I was very mad at God and I told him so. I worked the first part of my shift and then went to my boss and told him I was having trouble keeping it together. I told him I felt like I was not capable of doing my job anymore. He had never seen me like this so he talked to me for a minute and then told me to go home - and he put me on the sick list.

I went to PAIRS and wrote Eleanor a long letter telling her I was tired of fighting and that I didn't want any part of her or PAIRS anymore; that I didn't want her or anyone to call me because I had made up my mind. (She later told me that this was a suicide note).

I finally got the courage to call her (if she didn't know what I was doing, then she couldn't talk me out of it - I even thought I didn't want to talk to her). I went to her house and showed her the records and what they had done to me by leaving the most important part out. The only part that I needed.

She looked over them for a moment - and found them. They were there and just as plain as the other things. But somehow I could not see them on Friday. Well my whole attitude changed and I felt like a spoiled brat, which is what I had acted like. I couldn't understand why God would not let me see them the day before, why I had to wait until Saturday, but that was OK, because I had found out what I needed to know.

Two days later God revealed to me all that He had done for me during these times. You see, when I first started dealing with the reality of the abortion all I did was cry. I cried so much that my head would hurt all the time, and sometimes my eyes would be bloodshot and swollen from crying. I asked God one day to please let me stop crying. I just couldn't bear to cry any more. After awhile the tears stopped. But through those tears that I had shed, there had been healing for me. I have been so much at peace with myself. I had finally come to the place where I could talk about abortion over and over again and never shed a tear, it was wonderful.

But after awhile I began to wonder, why can't I cry? What is wrong with me? (I had forgotten that I had asked God to take away all my tears) I needed to cry so badly but I couldn't.

On the day that I received my medical records and found nothing on them, I began to cry and weep, and cry and weep. It took me three days to realize that I had actually cried. God showed me on that third day that it was all a part of His plan. In order for me to be able to cry again (to bring about more healing through the tears), He had to blind my eyes to what I was looking at. In order to take another step into my healing I could not be allowed to find what I had been searching for on that day. I had to let the tears flow and this was the only way for God to bring about my tears, through withholding something very dear to me, but only for a moment. Isn't God wonderful?"

"I can't quite describe what I feel inside. The feelings seem to be racing around in my mind, in my inner being. I really wasn't too keen about finding out in the beginning. It didn't seem that knowing the date or having a date to mourn or to celebrate would have that much of an impact on my life, but it has. I think that I was afraid that if I knew the date of the abortion, or the due date, that it would be just another weapon for me to use on myself. It still can be, if I let it. I have to be careful and to be in tune with my emotions so that I can recognize the danger signs of self-punishment and self-pity when they try to rise up in me.

Someone who has never been through the loss of a child, through abortion or miscarriage, cannot begin to imagine the importance or the trauma of this loss. One may tend to think that because this person is in constant battle over this loss, that maybe this person is out for attention or the sympathy of others. It may seem as if she doesn't want to get over her child's death (In some ways this is true, but deep down inside, she is crying out to be free, to be normal as others are normal). She longs to be able to function in life's day to day activities. To be a real mommy to the children she has given birth to, to be a real wife, daughter, and sister.

None of these things can be until she is able to come to grips with herself and with the abortion and what it has done to her. It has caused the disruption of her entire future, of her entire world. She has to deal with each and every detail surrounding the abortion. This takes time, possibly years to be able to deal with all the garbage that has entered into her being.

I'm going to continue to deal with my feelings and emotions as they begin to surface. I have to -- I can't afford not to. I've got a lifetime ahead of me. A family that loves me no matter what, a birth date to remember and honor in memory of my beautiful twins. And to mourn and to remember what was to be, but never had the chance to be, and with God's strength I can gain the energy I need to keep fighting so that my children did not die in vain.

I believe that my twins would want me to fight with all my might to save those children who have not died, but will, if someone like myself doesn't take a stand. I must tell the people and educate them to what is happening to our babies, and our children who are the siblings left behind - brothers and sisters of aborted babies. Our mothers, and even our dads. I have got to quit worrying about what other people will say and start getting to work on what I am to say, and to get out there and say it before it's too late to make a difference in this world.

If we keep sitting back and waiting for someone else to make the first move, or to speak the first words, it will be too late. I can't afford to wait. There are too many babies depending on me for their very existence, and that is just the way I have to look at it. And there are two beautiful children, Ben and Beth, hand in hand with Jesus to cheer me on. *

Children who are no longer with us are never forgotten, they remain a part of our lives for as long as we live."

* See Publisher's Comment at beginning of book.

The Lost Baby Poem

The time I dropped your almost body down,
down to meet the waters under the city
and run one with the sewage to the sea.
What did I know about the waters rushing back?
What did I know about drowning
or being drowned?

You would have been born into winter,
in the year of the disconnected gas and no car.
We would have made the walk on thin ice
over Genesee Hill into the Canadian wind
to watch you slip on ice into strangers' hands.
You would have fallen, naked as snow in the winter.
If you were here I could tell you these,
and some other things

If I am ever less than a mountain,
for your living brothers and sisters,
let the rivers pour over my head.
Let the sea take me for a spiller of seas.

Let black men call me stranger
always for your never named sake.

author unknown

Excerpts from testimony given by Elaine on September 17, 1985 at the hearing for HB 115, Parental Notification Bill, held in the Alabama Senate gallery.

Elaine testified, "I come here today not only as a parent of three beautiful daughters but also a woman that has been exploited by abortion 8 years ago. My abortion was free, legal, and by no means performed in a `back alley facility'. In fact, the abortion facility was recommended by Planned Parenthood.

The abortion I had on Saturday at 4:00 p.m. led to severe complications. The 'doctor' that performed my abortion, (1) perforated my uterus, (2) cut a blood artery, (3) traumatized my colon.

After all the other patients left the abortion facility I was rushed by ambulance to a hospital for observation, blood transfusions, and in order to save my life, a few hours later, a total hysterectomy was performed.

I am telling you this because I was an adult. I was misled into believing it was a simple procedure with no complications. Four years ago I had twelve inches removed from my colon and will most likely undergo more colon surgery this year."


Rape and Incest

Lydia asked a question that is one of the most difficult to know how to answer. "Is it always wrong? I know I killed a child but is it always wrong? My dad and my uncle raped me when I was a teenager and I got pregnant. My horror at the thought of being pregnant by one of them was more than I could stand. Why do men get by with acting like beasts?

I wandered all over town when I knew I was pregnant and a big man said he knew a place where I could get some help. He took me to an office by Grady Hospital where a man told me an abortion was the only answer to my problem. A friend brought me the money and the abortion was over before I had time to think too much about it.

Many times my dad and my uncle raped me and it was horrible. Why do they get by without going through the hell I go through? Why did I have to be committed to that horrible place? Even there I could not forget. My child was only about 3/4 of an inch long but I know it was a boy. I made them let me see it, it was tiny, but it could have lived. It was covered with blood. God hates me and I hate God -- why does He make me live?"

Eleanor's Comment:  Lydia was so pathetic, she could not get past the crying of the baby that was dead. It tormented her until she had herself re-committed to the mental hospital. We lost contact with Lydia. I often think about her and wonder ...is she still alive?'

RAPE - INCEST - WHOSE CRIME IS THAT? Why should the woman suffer more pain as a result of grief over her destroyed child? It is her child too, you know. She will never forget the rape or incest - and she definitely will never forget the child.

Perhaps if we went back to prosecuting the man involved to the fullest extent of the law - or even make stiffer laws perhaps the rape and incest would stop. That would be a much more humane solution to the problem than killing innocent babies and destroying their mothers.

Shelly died on November 24, 1986, four days after an incomplete abortion. She was an eighteen-year-old college student, daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, and friend . . . many will never forget. On her tombstone is engraved "BECAUSE HE LIVES - I LIVE", Shelly was attending a Christian College. *

Shelly's parents were not told about the abortion and only learned of it when she was dying. In Alabama (19) is the age of majority (legal age of becoming an adult), she was still legally considered a child. Her parents were deprived of the right to counsel their daughter in the time of her greatest need and vulnerability. They were robbed of a daughter and a grandchild -- perhaps several grandchildren -- if she had lived.

I wonder if these parents were required to pay the medical bills for the hospital care needed to try to save her life - or were those bills sent to the "clinic"?

* See Publisher's Comment at beginning of book.

CHAPTER 16:

Kim is a psychologist, Social Worker, a career woman and her husband is also a careerist. They had three abortions because there would be time later for children. Now that they believe they are ready for a child, Kim finds that she is sterile. Her sterility developed from a severe case of PID (Pelvic Inflammatory Disease) following the last abortion. Will there ever be an end to the tears of regret? Is there an answer to the emptiness? Peace can only be found in Christ Jesus.

Coleen was a beautiful multi-talented young woman that we tried to reach but is now dead. Colleen was a former concert pianist, artist, and Social Worker, married to a man who was as career minded as she was at that time in their lives. He encouraged her to have these two abortions, but she could not forget her two children.

The marriage failed - total disaster. Her upbringing was very strict and she believed that she could not be forgiven for the sin of abortion. She became a recluse, never left her apartment, chain smoked, drank herself into a stupor daily, ate almost nothing, felt she had no reason to live. This young woman drank herself to death and never opened the draperies to let in the light of day. She refused to accept the forgiveness of the Lord Jesus Christ, or to even ask for it. Such a waste of talent!

Coleen was so proper that she would never have considered doing anything that was illegal. Three dead because of a horrible decision by the Supreme Court of the United States of America.

Dear PAIRS,

Hi! A lady from the ministry "Hope for the Heart," gave me your address. I lost the phone number and I was going to call.

Anyway, when you write back please don't have the return address say anything about abortion because I don't want the people I live with to know.

Every morning when I wake up, I've cried and am trying to write out my deepest feelings about me and what I did. I've always been well liked and popular and talented at school and all. But at home I never had the attention of my parents.

I've had a lot of boyfriends. With my first love, I was so in love that I wanted his touch and it just went further and further. I wanted him to touch me because I never saw my parents touch each other. I thought I'd never be able to have sex because I thought it was gross. Well, when me and my boyfriend were at my house, we went too far and then we went into a bedroom.

He had sex before with someone else and what he did to me made me feel really loved and special. I never shared that with a boy I didn't really love. Well all summer we started to have sex every time we could and eventually it made me break up with him. We got back together and we really struggled with sex. I loved him so much, that's the only reason I made love with him. The last time we did it, I knew I was pregnant.

My parents could not find out. I never had my baby. I feel so hurt. How could such precious love hurt me so deeply years later? It was a long time ago but God is making me deal with it now. I have tried to overcome it, but I have given such a big part of me away and I will never be the same again. I have never been the same since and I hate myself. When it happened I thought I was doing sex and all cuz it was fun, but the results years later really hurt me.

I want my baby and she's not here.

I'm sorry to write this but I can't seem to talk face to face about it to anyone. My good friend here even tries to help but I never talk to her about it in person. I just want to be pure and whole again but I can't be. I cry every morning cuz July is the month my baby would have been born. What can I do?

My friend had an abortion on her 15th birthday. She is fine but I know it will hit her one day too.

It's really hard with present guys not to want sex again. Sometimes (mornings) I think I should just kill myself because it hurts so bad inside. I'm tired of crying. I want to live for God now, but I sometimes want to quit and keep having sex and abortions because I'm already screwed up. I'm so scared, I just hate myself. My X boyfriend doesn't even hurt like I do. Should I just quit trying and let my heart become hard or should I face it?

Thanks for listening. I keep writing in my journal in the mornings.

Love,

Kelly

Dearest Little Ones

My arms ache so for you.
Please know that I love you.
If there are questions of why me?,
I hope and trust our father has the answers...
There are none here on earth.
But in the last day we shall meet face to face.

Please forgive me for your death.
I am the one who lost:
Lost love, lost you, watching you grow,
Holding you, I cry for myself.
But for my mistake, He our Savior,
Jesus Christ took you home. *
Only He righted my wrong.
Only He could know my sorrow.

Regretfully,

Mother

Louise said, "I live in fear of punishment from God. I feel as if God will either take my living child or not allow me to be blessed with another one. But, God is not like that. He is Love and through the shed blood of Jesus Christ and by the grace of God I am forgiven of the sin. I simply had to humble myself and ask God for forgiveness, and then receive that forgiveness.

I believe a part of demonstrating my repentance is my duty to share my experience, my confusion, my weakness during the time before the abortion, with other women to help them see the light before, not after, like I did. This way I can save them from the guilt and pain that I suffer daily. In this way I can help save many babies' lives and somehow through my child's death I'll see many live.

Sometimes I think of Jesus' mother Mary. You know there were times when she couldn't exactly understand why her son had to die to save others. Could you try to put yourself in her place as she stood under the cross and watched her child die the horrible death he died? How disfigured he was made at men's hands? She knew he had not sinned, yet there was nothing she could do. Men were in control as far as the world goes. I believe the only way she endured it was by the Spirit of God Himself. In this way she picked herself up off of her knees, at the foot of the cross, and continued to spread the Word.

Our job now is to look in the spirit, and as horrible as it sounds, we must find our light and let it shine, to find the good in what we have gone through. By our going through this we can lead other women past it. If we had not gone down into such a Hell we could never, ever reach others.

My baby was never born of woman. It was taken because of Adam's sin. Everyone is born in sin, and after knowledge comes, we ask forgiveness and accept Jesus Christ as our Savior, we are then born again. First birth of water, then rebirth of the blood of Jesus. My baby was received back to God, * and knew no sin. By asking my child to forgive me I come even closer to Christ.

Christ said before He gave up His Spirit and His body died on the cross, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." When I acted out the sin of my abortion, I didn't really know what I was doing. Because if I had, I wouldn't be here now! This is why Jesus had to die for me. My baby did not have to die as He did, but because of that death, lives will be saved. That is why I must speak up about the terrible sin of abortion. My understanding is that God is merciful and over all our God is Love, Agape Love, Unconditional Love. Forgiveness is His nature.

My ongoing heartaches are:

1. Fear of punishment from God even though I know He will not punish me - He forgave me.
2. Even though He forgave me, I cannot forgive myself.
3. Always feeling like everyone who looks at me knows what I have done.
4. Constant fear of someone, anyone calling me a murderer.
5. Wondering if the present female problems were caused by the abortion, especially the hysterectomy I must now have at 30 years of age.
6. How will I tell my children without them feeling cheated too?
7. Will they feel that maybe they could have been aborted too?"
   
   Sue's Story
   
   After two years of counseling and teaching sessions Sue is now a happy fulfilled woman who knows where she is going and is no longer tormenting herself over the abortion deaths of her three other children. Sue called me and said, "One day as I was walking through the mall with my three children, something wonderful and awesome happened. I could see three children, but I could sense and feel with every part of my being 6 children. They were there and it was okay, it was a positive feeling - no enmity either way - what a relief to learn they didn't hate me. I felt like a loving mom whose kids were there and everything was fine. It blew my mind - but it was good - it was okay!"
   
   Beverly's Story
   
   Beverly said, "You won't think I'm strange if I tell you about something that happened to me today will you?"
   
   My reply was, "Nothing surprises me anymore, nothing shocks me anymore. Whatever it is, it is okay"
   
   Beverly related to me that she was in her room resting and thinking about the child that had been destroyed five years before. She was wondering what he would be doing if he were here. She sensed a presence in the room and knew that it was her child - in the spirit. His spirit communicated with hers, and he told her that he was safe and that Jesus was taking care of him. * He said, "Please don't worry about me. I am all right. I love you." This happened several times before it stopped.
   
   I told Beverly that I had heard similar accounts from several women. Women with comparable stories, women who did not know each other, so I must believe that it is happening. I believe that the spirit world is real - or I could not believe the Holy Spirit is real.
   
   Was your child a boy? A girl? Perhaps even twins? At times in the Scriptures, the sex and name of a child was known early in the pregnancy by the parents. If you have had an abortion do not feel it odd if in your spirit you know these things. Your child is alive, life begins before conception (Before I formed you in the womb I knew you . . . Jeremiah 1:5), or else why would the sperm be able to "swim" to the egg? Why does the egg start multiplying it's cells immediately upon fertilization if not alive? If not human what? A stone? A frog? What were you before you were born? Life is a continuum -- Death is a part of life.

   * See Publisher's Comment at beginning of book.

   ---

   CHAPTER 20:
   

   The Burial

   Laura came into my office on Monday and said, "God wants me to bury Jeremy, will you help me do it? My reply, "Of course, I will." Laura said, "Jeremy has to have a proper burial."
   
   I knew what she meant, Jeremy was the child she lost to abortion five years before. Laura grieved for her son, she knew in her heart that her child was a boy, and his name was Jeremy.
   
   We have had many conversations about her son, and how she had a little boy doll that she dressed, cradled, sang to and rocked for hours at a time. To Laura, this doll was her lost baby - OH! She knew the difference -- but she had to find a way to ease the pain of her empty arms, she had to grieve. Laura often called me and told me that her son was coloring a picture for Jesus that day or how he came to her in the spirit and told her he loved her. Laura knew how much Jeremy loved her.
   
   Laura knew I would understand. She knew that I would not put her down nor tell her that she was imagining things. Or worse yet, tell her to just put it behind her as many others had already done. She had tried deliverance ministries by the score -- none brought the needed release. She knew that it was okay for her to cling to this doll because she had no body to bury, no picture to treasure, only memories of horror as she felt her child die.
   
   God had revealed to me that she needed to bury this doll and set her son's spirit free. I had told her that but she refused it at that point. That too was OK. (Since then other workers with PAS victims have used similar methods with dolls successfully)
   
   Laura knew it was time to put her lost child to rest. She needed to do that in order to be able to be the mother that one-year-old Jon deserved.
   
   Mary had invited me to an all day prayer meeting at a friend's house on the river's edge. I told Laura that I would ask the prayer group to pray with me about a place for the burial. Laura chose a date about three weeks away. I called Michelle and asked her if she and Gordon would build the casket because I knew they would understand. They built that little hand-made casket, hand polished it, put a cross on the cover, and every nail was hammered with love. Even two holes were drilled to make the closing easier at the grave site.
   
   At the prayer meeting with 19 women present, after a quiet hour of prayer out by the river and under the spreading oaks, I presented the need for the burial and the need to find a place for it. All of the women understood Laura's need. Our Hostess, Kathryn, gave permission for the burial to be on her property, under two beautiful oak trees, near the river. Laura later went there to meet Kathryn and the Holy Spirit directed her to exactly the same spot under the same two oak trees.
   
   It is interesting that both of us were shown the same spot. The Holy Spirit showed me that the spot was much like Laura's life at that time, completely bare with nothing growing on it. From that barren spot between two oaks, a child's spirit would be set free so that another little boy could have a chance to grow into a mighty "OAK" of a man.
   
   We had our plans changed -- almost canceled. Everything was scheduled for a Sunday afternoon. I received an emergency call that required my flying to Boulder, Colorado, in two days. I called Carol and asked her if she would take my place and see that the funeral ceremony was taken care of as planned. When she hesitated, I knew we had to just go ahead and do it the next day and I am so glad that we did.
   
   Since none of us had ever done anything like this before there was bound to be mixed reactions - there was. The pastor who had said he would help us, backed out after thinking about it. He felt that burying a doll bordered on "witchcraft and idolatry" and he could not be involved (I do understand that if a person has never done anything like this, that they could very well be skeptical as we are all products of our upbringing and that too is okay).
   
   Carol searched her heart when I asked her to participate. Her comments were, "When I found out that a pastor that I respected very highly had backed out and spoke of witchcraft and idolatry, I became very skeptical. I started searching my mind and motives. Where was I in my healing process? Was Laura's soul worth the effort? I knew immediately the answer to that question! I came to the conclusion that humans had used symbols for thousands of years. None of us had seen our babies, and if we could use a doll for a symbol, something we could see, thus making it easier to release, then it was not wrong. In my own healing process, I had come through most of the hell and by the grace of God reached a place of acceptance where I could finally be OK as a mother.
   
   God said that we are to console others in their afflictions as He consoles us. Since I have been through this Hell, I have the credentials and I felt a strong sense of responsibility to attend this funeral for Laura's sake.
   
   I had talked it over with my husband, and he told me that my children had complete peace about where they were and had no memory of what had happened. They were with the creator * and one day we would be reunited."
   
   I called Laura and told her of the change in plans and she said they would be there. The next day she called me and said, "The doll is in a cedar chest, across the bay at my mother's house and I can't find her." I said, "Laura, I do not have time for games, we either do this today or forget it. I cannot put off my trip, I must leave on the plane and there is no one to take my place. You alone must decide if God really told you to do this and if it is time to set Jeremy free? And if so, will you be obedient to Him." She hesitated and then said, "He did and I will be there by five o'clock."
   
   Laura and Ken did not show up as scheduled and I knew this was God's task to take care of, if He could not then we might as well forget it.
   
   I did not tell the others about the conflict in Laura's heart. Chris, Carol, Robin and I went on ahead with the little casket and shovel.
   
   We were warmly greeted by our hostess. Kathryn is a solid rock of understanding. She put us all at ease and offered tea in the quietness of her home by the river.
   
   Chris is such a fine Christian gentleman, he dug the little grave, and made everything special, reverent and with a right spirit. He supports us in everything that we do to bring healing to wounded people - no matter how it is done. He shares my belief that every individual is unique and must be encouraged to express themselves in their own unique way.
   
   It was getting dark - we thought she was not coming. So the grave was covered back up and we were about ready to leave when Laura, her husband Ken and her sons' Jon and Jeremy arrived.
   
   It was dusk and getting darker as Chris again dug the little grave. Then we gathered and sang and prayed while Laura cried and held Jeremy and rocked him in her arms. This mother laid her little boy "doll" that had meant so much to her in the readied casket. She said, "This is really my Jeremy, you know."
   
   Chris led the prayer, "Jesus, we know how much you love the little children and how you died for them and we know you already have Jeremy in your loving arms.* Someday this mother will be able to walk right up and hug her son. Oh, how sweet that will be . . . " His prayer was so touching that all of us cried. Robin, Carol, and Laura cried out to God for Him to take their children to His bosom and love them as they could not do. Such agonized sobs of release.
   
   Carol cried and said, "How majestic is our God that He would take my precious children and cradle them for me.* Such love that He would be willing to forgive and give me total peace. We now know that we cannot be our best as long as we carry around all of that garbage. The drinking and drugging won't work to kill the pain. We have no alternative but to turn it over to God and let Him handle the things we have no control over. I now know it is okay to be a mother to my children that are with me. Those haunting memories have already robbed us of so much invaluable time that we must not let the Adversary steal any more time. We have to allow ourselves to heal, and get back up for our children's sake."
   
   Robin said, "I've been set free . . . I said I was before, but now I really believe it." With tears streaming down her face, she hugged our hostess and said, "God bless you Kathryn, for understanding our grief and allowing us to have a place to bury our children."
   
   Three women sobbed and cried harder than I had ever heard before. Each woman released her child or children into the everlasting arms of the Lord Jesus Christ.* Laura prayed, "Dear God! Oh how we grieve for our children. We never intended to kill a child. In crisis and without you a grievous crime has been committed upon our children."
   
   Laura said, "It's gone - just as though a big weight has dropped off of me, a release from carrying a dead child. It's like I finally got to bury Jeremy instead of carrying him around in the spirit realm. He's where he belongs. I finally got to go to his funeral. I buried him with love. I'm not haunted anymore. He's at rest and so am I." *
   
   Carol read a poem that was dear to her - broke down and sobbed and sobbed in the middle of it and could not finish it. Not a dry eye as Ken lifted his hands to heaven and spoke, "Holy, Holy, Holy, how beautiful and loving and understanding is our God."
   
   Carol played a tape of the song, "I Don't Have Time for the Pain", by Carole King. It was a song that meant a lot to her and brought more tears. Five children were put to rest that night. The tears were cleansing and healing and I thought Jesus must be shedding a tear or two right now. Kathryn was obedient and our Lord will honor her with a special crown one glorious day for allowing us to bury these children on her property near the riverside. How beautiful it was.
   
   Ken later told me that, "The whole idea of burying a doll seemed amazing, almost ridiculous, but it was anything but that. When I got there with my wife and saw Carol and Robin there also, God showed me a glimpse of his heart, and their hearts. There was weeping, and the reality of what had really happened when each had their abortion, there was release for each - the laying to rest of the haunting torments in their minds. There was in each a mighty, continuing work of healing."
   
   Carol added, "We all released our children, the evening was a success, it really was all right! As usual it was in God's hands." All of us were so touched and so blessed by this ceremony that we will never forget it.
   
   I received a precious note when I got back from my trip: Eleanor - you are truly a precious person to me. The Father has used you mightily to help re-shape my life. Thanks for showing and teaching me unconditional love and discipline. I love you! Carol.
   
   Three days later I attended another burial and Our Lord and Savior used it to reinforce just how important the act of burial is to help a grieving soul find rest and peace.
   
   The next day I flew to Boulder, Colorado to be with my youngest son, Steve, who was to have quadruple heart by-pass surgery. While there I witnessed a scene that was so precious, I hoped I never forget it or the lesson it taught me.
   
   Steve's children were outside riding their bicycles when a tiny sparrow flew through the spokes of Jennifer's bicycle. The children came running in to their mother with the little bird, sobbing, and saying, "Mother, please make it well, put some medicine and bandages on it." The little bird was bleeding all over, and died in a few minutes.
   
   The two youngest children, Mary and Stephen, joined the others and they were all crying their hearts out, so I suggested that they have a little burial and let Jesus take care of this little bird. Gordon got a piece of paper and a roll of Scotch tape to wrap the little bird in. He used almost the whole roll of tape to be sure the little bird would not get dirty. Jeffry got out the shovel and dug a hole, while Shane picked the last rose on the bush. Such a beautiful yellow rose God provided for these children.
   
   Six children sat in a circle around the little grave and nine-year-old Jennifer sobbed as she prayed, "Dear God, I didn't mean to kill the little sparrow. Please take care of him up in heaven. Amen."
   
   Jeffry put a rock on the grave so God would know where the bird was buried and the yellow rose was laid next to it. They sang, "Jesus Loves Me," to close their little ceremony. It was so sweet.
   
   The Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, "You see, I know when even a sparrow falls. I understand the grief of my children no matter their years on earth. I alone can take away the pain."
   
   Later as I flew home, the most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen appeared in the clouds, and I knew again that God understood and renewed His promise to His children with the bow in the sky.

   * See Publisher's Comment at beginning of book.

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